Sunday, January 01, 2006

That'd Be a Great Name for a Rock Band

Dave Barry proclaims 2005 "The Year of the Woman" in his always hilarious end-of-the-year column.

Some highlights...

FEBRUARY: On the social front, Prince Charles formally gets engaged to
Camilla Parker Bowles. The British public responds with sincere and heartfelt
wishes that the happy couple will not reproduce.

MARCH: ...In a related story, a California jury finds that actor Robert
Blake did not kill his wife. The jury also rules that John Wilkes Booth had
nothing to do with the Lincoln assassination and that bears do not poop in the
woods. In other celebrity legal news, Martha Stewart is released from prison.
The next morning, in a chilling coincidence, all of the witnesses who testified
against Stewart wake up and discover, to their utter horror, that their sheets
no longer match their pillowcases.

MAY: In other show business news, millions of middle-aged people without
dates wet their Luke Skywalker-model underpants with joy as they view the final
installment of the beloved "Star Wars" series, "Star Wars: Episode MXCVII:
Enough Already." Fans hail it as the least tedious Star Wars in decades; many
are stunned by the surprise ending, when it turns out that Darth Vader is
actually Robert Blake. Director George Lucas announces that, having fulfilled
his artistic dream, he will now retire and learn to write dialogue.

JULY: In sports, Lance Armstrong rides down the Champs-Elysees, raising his
arms in a triumphant gesture, which causes the French army to surrender instantly.
No, sorry; that was a cheap shot. One unit held out for nearly an hour.

Dave's blog.